what goes up must come down.

lately, i've been on a generally positive streak. being on top of my school work and ahead with my readings, training hard, eating clean, keeping myself busy, learning to appreciate those quiet evenings...not moping around.

but, all of a sudden, i've fallen into this emotional slump. and the timing couldn't be any worse. considering i've got a midterm worth 40% tomorrow morning, i should be studying instead of trying to sleep away my misery -or trying to facebook my problems to death.

but i just can't help it. tonight, i just don't care. i think, out of everything i've been through in my life up until now, whether it involved boys, friendships, work, school, my health, my family, my self-esteem...this chapter of my life is proving to be the most difficult. what's even better is that whatever's left of my personal life is yet another huge mess that i neither know how to make sense of; nor do i know how (and whether or not) to deal with my completely scattered emotions.

it's the hardest thing letting go of that one person you know is the one you're meant to be with -let alone keeping in mind that this current separation is for the best. what makes it even harder is not knowing whether or not they even still care to remember you..or miss you..or question their willpower in terms of how long they'll last before they next cave out of the simple desire to see you.

you can have faith, but sometimes that faith runs out..

this is something i came across today that so perfectly says it all...better than i could have said it myself:

"at one point...I was so sure of everything. In fact, i told everyone i knew that i would marry you someday.

i don't really know what happened since, but i think it was a combination of things. you know me better than anyone and you know that when i make up my mind, i'm stubborn. i've learned how stubborn i can be from you and i'm glad i can see when it hinders me now. at some point i thought that i didn't love you anymore and it scared me more than anything, but i stuck with my decision because of my stubborness.

it's weird because i can be so happy on my own [...] but when it comes down to it, although i'm independently happy, i couldn't imagine my life without you in it.

we fight too much and we're too young/i'm too immature to make things work right now. but you are the person i care most about [...] you are my best friend. you are better to me than anyone i've ever met (and it scares me that if things don't work out with us i'll never be able to find another person who loves me like you do). i care about you too much to hurt you again and to step back into this with[out] 100% of my dedication.

i can only ask for patience and faith that life will work out if we ask it to"*

i just hope you know that despite everything that's happened, i still care about you more than i care about myself. and i miss you every moment of every day...and that there's nothing i want more than for us both to be ready for one another.

i suppose that, for now, all i can do is to try looking forward to the up-and-coming milestones scheduled to take place this year (provided everything goes as planned). i've always found that looking forward to something worthy of being excited about helps with the simple notion of forward movement in one's every day life. whether you're looking forward to a special event, a planned outing or a simple welcome home...but since very little in my life is planned more than 3 hours in advance, i've gotta tune into the bigger, more important things.

so, first and foremost, that involves graduating from university in the fall, buying myself that nikon D90 D-SLR i've wanted for SO long, taking that backpacking trip through northern europe with my sister...and hopefully getting accepted to teach english abroad (in Japan!) for a year!

anyway, i should really study =|

wish me luck!

*(courtesy of Danielle, author of "Single Betty"; http://singlebetty.blogspot.com/2009/03/is-he-still-ex.html)