i'd have to say that my top three obstacles in life would have to be, without doubt, achieving superwoman-dom, figuring out my relationship with my mother and being successful in the search for true happiness.
and whereas two of those are journeys in progress, my relationship with my mom has to be the cul de sac of all relationships.
ever feel you're in the worst of the worst relationships?
well...you don't know nothin' yet.
and i just can't figure it out. i just cannot sort out the pigsty that is my relationship with her. i just can't do it. and i've tried -believe me, i've tried!
and what i presume is the most i can get out of all this -is a life lesson that, once i have kids and am a mom...to never do things the way things are being done now; and to make sure that i do every single, little thing that i wish my mom would do. even if it's as tiny and insignificant as cracking a smile or saying a simple thank you. if i could only express just how much those little things mean..i really do wish i could.
and for the life of me, i have never known how to make sense of it all. where did we go wrong? what wrong turn in the road did we take? is it too far back to return to it, try to fix it and head towards the right direction? or is it frankly a dead-end relationship, where it's simply a matter of until death does us part?
i don't even know if, once i have kids, things will get better. at this point, i really can't imagine that they will. does someone change -completely- just because they become a mother or a grandmother? or, in the end, is it simply one's biology -the way they're hard-wired- that determines how they are, regardless of ALL the things they have to be thankful and appreciative of?
i guess, to some extent, that's my answer. and, unfortunately, even science will support the fact that it takes a lot more energy to warm something cold up than to cool something warm down.
so, that just means there's one more thing to add to the "it-is-what-it-is" list.
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I've fallen in love with your writing style Maya, though I do empathise with the subject matter of your entry. Wish I could suggest some advice, but I don't know the whole story nor do I think you're misguided in your journey towards understanding. Sometimes I wonder if its just a process of growing up, I feel as though my relationship with my mom is starting to crack now on the surface revealling some deeply hidden fault lines. Anyways, I will continue reading your blog because I want to know more about you and because its so enjoyable to read. :)
ReplyDeletematthew, my love,
ReplyDeletethank you for the kind words =) you truly are everything i need in a man! and i must must confess to having become slightly obsessed with your blog -and am really enjoying your love of good food!
it's too bad i can't enjoy it all with you -i'm pretty sure no one will love me if i weigh 400 pounds lol.
in the least, now we know what the topic of our next coffee date will be!