i am my mother's child.

there's a huge difference between going away somewhere in celebration of your birthday and being away from your family (and the majority of your friends) for that reason- and being left alone at home on your special day due to uncontrollable circumstances that, by default, override any importance you may have wanted to attribute to it.

i suppose when one's emotions are basically running on a constant high, it's hard to fully absorb the reality of the situation that someone you love has passed away. and simply not being there to be involved with the grieving process makes it even harder.

just knowing that you're actually gone but STILL waiting for it to sink in makes me feel a little less and less human each and every day...and it sucks.

i know it's a circumstance almost impossible to relate to: losing one's mother. but i've come to realize -for the third (and hopefully last) time- that my life almost immediately falls apart the second my mom leaves town for more than a day or two. so i can't imagine what my parents' lives have been like being so far away from each of their mothers for all these years. i suppose, however, with my limited perspective, i can truthfully say that the occassional taste i've gotten every once in a while was definitely no slice of triple-chocolate, fudge-brownie cake.

and it's not because i NEED her, per se -but it's just that i don't know how to do things...even the simplest of things...the way she does them; which, when she's home, somehow drives me up the wall. but when she's away, really makes me wonder if i'll ever know how to do those "mom" things like slicing a watermelon without so much wastage or packing salt and pepper sachets and remembering to take napkins and cutlery on picnics.

and i'm not gonna lie: those peanut-butter sandwiches were kickass. but that had to have been the absolute, most basic lunch i've ever had in my life LOL.

it's just that no one does it better than mothers do.